Amusement early in the morning
Posted by Cory Burell on June 20th, 2008 filed in Funny1 Comment »
So Friday has been a trip and its only 8:30. I’ve been so lucky as to be training a new hire with zero experience. Basically this kid has a head bigger than Tommy Lee but the brains of Jessica Simpson. Yesterday in my facebook away message I put “I wonder if people are really this dumb or if its just a trick”. Today I sit down in my office and check my email. Yep you have a facebook message from Kayla Pisano……..o boy o goody o lucky me. The excitement literally made my fingers twitch with joy and it must have taken me 5 or 6 tries to even get my password in. OMFG FINALLY I CAN READ THIS MESSAGE. Here is the content and for some of you just go ahead and get the tissues out and possibly a change of underwear.
this is in response to ur quote on ur pro. somtimes i think ppl are just dumb but then other time i think ppl pretent to be bumb just to get attention. i know ppl that do that. well its ok i think i would rather deal with bumb ppl then ppl who just say one thing and do another. like ppl who say are going to hang out and then set a day and then never do. kind of anoyin! well i bet ur going to the weddin this weekend with eveyone else. have fun
WHAT IN THE FLYING MONKEY FUCKS IS THAT? You may be thinking well maybe she was on drugs, maybe her hand is broken, or maybe she just woke up from a 3 year coma. Well sorry folks this is for real and it actually confirmed my theory that people really are this retarded. Thank you Kayla for beginning my day with a smile………..
And for real this wasn’t a joke!
Finally FINISHED!
Posted by Cory Burell on May 11th, 2008 filed in Random2 Comments »
So about a month ago Evan/I were talking about the boboness of the beer pong table that was being used. I was put in charge of a momentous task which was building a table capable of outdoing my skill in beer pong. After many sleepless nights it finally came to me. I needed to create something that was so badass it cast a shadow over us. What in the world could do suck a thing? ONLY 2 things have ever achieved this goal…..scarface and Resovior dogs. Since we aren’t slinging coke out of the backyards had to go with the dogs. These were some bad mofo’s. Here is the creation that came.
#98 The modern day Hippies
Posted by Cory Burell on April 23rd, 2008 filed in RANTComment now »
Just to give everyone a slightly skewed piece of history we’ll start with a lesson on hippies. Now while this may not be 100% objective its fairly factual. In the 60’s universities actually studied lsd by giving it out to students and began a generation of mind explorers. The Haight Ashbury community outside of San Fransisco became a haven for these people. Bus tours traveled the US in the forms of “Acid parties” which had bands play such as the dead, etc. These were supposed to be safe places to trip and also turned into the modern day version of a 10 hour orgy. These people insisted that the mind could be expanded and that their was more to life. We all needed to expand our minds and not do shit else but fuck. Groups began to feed these people and community housing (basically free shitholes) came about. Super idea imho. Lets not work, get high, and sleep in a bed that 10 other people had fucked in that same day. It doesn’t sound fucking sick to me.
So after awhile this whole thing caught on around the country and people started bussing in. Well there goes the fun right? Nope not a chance…….now we’ll just have more sex and less food but the drugs will keep it real. In 1971 the drug lsd was made an illegal substance and the hippies were struck a solid blow. Today we have the wannabe hippies. Like their moms were lil whores getting her salad toosed around by 15 guys also on drugs who hadn’t showered in a week and now they wanted to be just like her. Look girls if you want to slut it up for drugs get into corporate America. The coke is better, people shower, and you get a benz at the end of the day not a 20 year old honda with a grateful dead bumper sticker.
Now don’t get me wrong people I love me some phish and the dead but its just the fucking people that kill me. In my mind you had your fucking chance to take over the world with your filth and you failed. In my mind dictatorship is one step above the hippy thought process. Lets say you have 20k people in a small town. 19000 of them take the day and tripp balls and get laid. Sweet! 12 hours passes and now they are all fucking hungry. “DUDE WHERES THE FOOD MAN?”. Well there is none. No one was making any money to buy it, no one was working to produce it, and no one was even there to cook it. You were just all too god damned stoned. Now you live in room with 15 other people with nothing to show but a fucking cot……CONGRATS! Half of you reading this are calling me either
A) a moron
or
B) a psycho
Well B maybe true but A was still part of the history lesson. It all happened. Hippies pushing an their agenda is the equivilent of someone calling for the second rising of the nazi’s. No one likes a fucking nazi unless you are one so why like a fucking hippy. I mean hell they even smell worse than a nazi. Me personally I don’t wanna live in Pot land or acidland or wherever the fucking your capital is so get the shit out of here.
Why can’t you shower? Are you afraid of wasting water?
Why can’t you wear something thats not tie dyed? Tie Dye is only funny 2 hours into a tripp and unless you are on drugs its ugly as shit.
Btw I don’t think its a fucking coincidence that hippies rode in vw bugs. They were the new version of nazis and wanted to pimp out the german badge. So in closing if you are a hippy please remember………you’ve already failed, you are not in 1960, and no one is going to feed or house your ass when you turn into a useless fuck. Thanks and have a great day!
NUMBER 99: Lottery Assholes
Posted by Cory Burell on April 2nd, 2008 filed in 100 rants in 100 daysComment now »
You guys have to know the person I’m talking about. I’m pointing out that single asshole in line at the gas station who is buying 52 lottery tickets. This type of person has a very special place in my heart. I especially love trying to pay for gas or a drink and waiting while they pick out these tickets. “Lets see I’ll take ummmmmm 1 of the $1 yellow tickets and ummmmmmm 2 of the 1$ red tickets……no make that 3″ and so on and so on. Some people might say well you don’t have to sit there and deal with it. Your absolutely fucking right. I could just walk back outside to my car and drive to the next station but knowing my luck these lil white trash honkies would have multiplied and I’d have to deal with 2 toothless fucks trying to pull a million out of their asses at the next store. ORRRRRRRRRR I could just flip the fuck out right there, pull out a grenade, and blow the fucking gas station up. Ok not really but I just want to see if the FBI shows up at my house for saying that. May I also add dirka dirka jihad bitch.
On a more serious note though its not intelligent people trying to buy these tickets its the completely moronic sons of bitches that take 45 minutes to pick out what ketchup stained t shirt they were going to wear that day. Think this sounds angry? I just sat for 10 minutes and listened to some crackhead order off 36 dollars of lottery tickets 1 by 1 and then he proceeded to start scratching them off at the counter. Are you fucking shitting me? Go scratch that shit off in your trailer or did you have to sell that for the fucking lottery tickets?
So I started thinking about these people who are so completely drawn into lottery tickets. We don’t have gambling here in NC atleast not card rooms. If I want to go play real cards I have to drive to Atlantic City. Its ok people thats only 500 miles to go play cards for real money but don’t worry people can blow off their paychecks at the gas station here in good Ol’ NC. I completely understand that its meant to help schools……etc and while I’m guilty of buying a powerball ticket when it gets over 100m but do we really need these people tossing away money? Just once I want to see the numbers of how much people on welfare/gov’t assistance have spent on the lottery. Most of us reading this pay for these people and I don’t mean that in a helping way. I mean we pay for them. We pay for the ghetto to live. SOLUTIONS ANYONE?
So heres my idea. A few years ago I went to go get a tattoo. I believe it was my 16th birthday. After a few shots of vodka and some other substances I was ready to roll in with my brand new shitty fake id and get the tattoo. Fill out all the paperwork and the guy scanned my id. I WAS THE FAIL! So why can’t we put this information regarding govt assistance in files and make people get their id scanned when purchasing. Just make it flat out illegal for them to buy them. If they are caught then bam……off the programs. Yes I’m fully aware that they would just have friends buy them……..yes I’m fully aware that it wouldn’t help that much but it would keep them out of my line and quite frankly in this rant that is my main concern.
So do me a huge favor. Next time you see a person pulling this mass purchase crap on tickets just pelvic punch the shit out of them for me. In fact I’ll put a bounty out. For every person that coochy/cock punches someone for jamming up a line with this shit I will personally give them 10 lottery tickets (bought in one singular request of course). I do however require evidence but I will post the evidence. Thanks guys.
100 rants in 100 days
Posted by Cory Burell on March 27th, 2008 filed in 100 rants in 100 days2 Comments »
So for those of you who know me I tend to find the wtf’s in the world pretty often. I won’t lie………I find alot of things out there fubar’d so for the next 100 days I will post 1 thing that pisses me off starting today.
100) So I head up to the store on downtime to grab a drink. Normally this involves a Mt.Dew and a honeybun just to get that extra boost for the last 3 hours of work. Taking a look around and wtf is this stuff. There is a full cooler door of energy drinks. What do you want………Red Bull, Monster, Mt.Dew, Rockstar, full throttle, and a slew of other brands all of which have 22 different flavors. Did you know that energy drinks brought in over 2.5 billion dollars last year?
Ginseng, Caffeine, Guarana, and a shitload of sugar. Woot lets party people. Do you remember when people told you coke was bad for you. Heres your wake up call. One 16oz can of Amp contains 58 grams of sugar! HOLY SHIT! I’m jacked just thinking about it. Now lets throw some crap in there that we can’t even pronounce and call it good for you. MORE ENERGY, SHARPER MIND, AND DON’T FORGET THE POSSIBILITY OF A 4 HOUR HARD ON when combined with vodka (assuming the girl doesn’t look like whale). While I applaud the industry for giving me exactly what I need to drink jager without the feer of dozing off can we just stop this garbage? I mean its crack. We banned ephedra from our diet pills but now you gotta look out for the pissy secretary with a case of withdrawls.
This may not sound like a rant but how about instead of pumping our bodies full of crap we eat an apple……..maybe even work alittle less. The world is so hyped up that it has no time to slow down. What happened to taking a long deep breath and just relaxing for a moment? What happened to sunday picnics after church and sleeping in on saturdays. In my opinion lets strip all this crap off the shelves and instead of running to the store on your afternoon break for a sugar saturated “crack in a can” drink you stretch, eat some fruit, and take a short walk.
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Posted by Cory Burell on February 1st, 2008 filed in Sports1 Comment »
So sunday is the superbowl and honestly I’m more excited about this one than any in the past. It seems like it was years and years and years ago since the Pats went to the superbowl but I guess I’ve been kind of busy the last few years and it seems like a decade. Last year my wife was having pre labor pains and I completely missed the game………this year however will not end up the same. I actually had a nightmare last night that the pats lost. I’m not exagerating when I say I woke up in a cold sweat. Most likely it had something to do with the 2 gallons of nyquil I drank before bed but sweet jesus that was scary.
I guess the patriots get me kind of emotional. A lot of people give me crap for liking the Pats but its a weird feeling. My dad was a big Pats fan from when we lived in the Boston area and Mystic. We moved to Dallas after that and this was during the big years in Dallas. As a kid I pretty much fell into that magic there that was the Cowboys power years. My dad would take me to the dallas open practices and to this day I still have a picture of me with the cheerleaders. We used to watch any cowboys or pats game that came on tv. Memories of my dad and me sitting on the couch and thinking things would always be this way.
About 10 years ago my dad passed away from ALS which in simple terms is Lou Gehrigs disease. It was a really bad time for him and it was basically a few years of him falling apart. Most of the time people have awhile before it really breaks you down but this was alot faster. In the last 2 years or so he was restricted to a wheelchair and I can’t even imagine how hard it was for him. Sundays were different though. He would lay on the couch and yell and act like he had the energy of a 20 year old. I guess those were the moments that I remember how strong he really was inside. Patriots football isn’t really football to me but a memory. It makes me happy, sad, and drives me through every emotion I have. For years I would barely admit to myself that he was gone and it seems like within the last few years I’ve found him again. I barely cried or spoke to anyone for months after he died and I bottled up so much emotion that I turned into a time bomb. Over the years I somewhat worked through it but really wasn’t ever the same. Stable was not a word to describe me mostly b/c I wanted my normal life back. I wanted to learn more from him and grow up with a father. I now have a family of my own, try to work hard (even though I am typing this at work haha), and try to make my wife happy. My mom looked at me over xmas (always an emotional time for her) and just said “you are so much like your dad”. I really never thought about it but I guess over the years I turned into him. In a way he taught me everything I needed to know just by being who he was.
This season has been perfect in so many ways. The patriots haven’t lost a game which makes me about as happy as I can be and I realized that I do still have that stubborn old man sitting on that couch every week only its me. Since I’ve kind of sidetracked in this blog I apologize but its been a weird year for me and I guess its hit me that I have grown up alot and I can only be so happy that I have turned out alot like my father so on Sunday there will be a new era of Burell father sitting on that couch yelling at the tv and enjoying the Superbowl. As for everyone else be safe, don’t drink and drive, and most importantly remember what the game of football really means in this country. In the future I can only hope to have the same moments with my children as I did with my father and don’t worry folks they will indeed also cheer for the patriots.
Englais in the Workplace
Posted by Cory Burell on January 4th, 2008 filed in RANTComment now »
So one of my guys gets an email from our regional manager today. Quite the all star in his presentation. Do you think people could take the 2 seconds to read their own outgoing mail just to spot check? Or maybe just learn english?
Copy of one email. Superb!
Email one of my guys gets today.
*&*&g,
this is the schedule we put together last time I was there. I pass this on to *&#@. Are you completed with this tasks? I need to know if you are done, what you are currently working on and what are planning to work next week.
The mother fucker even fucked up his sig in his emails. HOW DO YOU FUCK UP THE NAME OF YOUR POSITION IN A COMPANY? FUCK!
I mean focus here people. I may have never met you before in my life and only know you by your emails.
Boston 7, Cleveland 1
Posted by Cory Burell on October 18th, 2007 filed in SportsComment now »
Im not even going to explain the joy of this years sports for me. The sox are playing somewhat like they should. Both the pats/cowboys are on and ECU is +.500 going into a weak schedule stretch. All is good in the world.
What a GAME!
Posted by Cory Burell on October 15th, 2007 filed in ECU SportsComment now »
EL PASO, Texas (AP) — Rob Kass plunged into the end zone on a quarterback sneak during the first overtime to give East Carolina a wild 45-42 win over Texas-El Paso on Saturday night.
Kass sent the game to OT with a 34-yard touchdown pass to Juwon Crowell as time ran out to tie the contest at 39-39.
UTEP’s Trevor Vittatoe completed 38-of-55 passes for 409 yards and three touchdowns and just one interception. Marcus Thomas ran for 103 yards, including a 31-yard touchdown dash with just 34 seconds left in the game to give the Miners what appeared to be a winning 39-32 margin.
East Carolina’s Dwayne Harris almost broke the game open single-handedly in the third quarter. First the East Carolina wide receiver took a handoff on a reverse and dashed 57 yards for a touchdown, giving the Pirates (4-3-1, 3-1 Conference USA) a 25-22 lead. Then Harris took a handoff on a double reverse and hit a wide open Jamar Bryant on an 80-yard touchdown pass, giving the Pirates a 32-22 lead 7:53 left in the third quarter.
The first half was a story of dueling field goals.
UTEP (4-3, 2-1) got a touchdown in the final minute of the first half on a nine-yard strike from Vittatoe to Joe West but Martinez’ extra point try was blocked and East Carolina’s Travis Williams returned it 90 yards for the two points and the Pirates led 18-16.
But Jose Martinez booted a 42-yard field goal, one that pinged off the top of the upright, on the final play of the half to give UTEP a 19-18 lead in a bizarre finish to the first 30 minutes.
Weekend preview from SI
Posted by Cory Burell on September 20th, 2007 filed in ECU SportsComment now »
East Carolina Preview
By John Antonik for MSNsportsNET.com
September 20, 2007MORGANTOWN, W.Va. – Rich Rodriguez says it has been East Carolina’s Jimmys and Joes and not so much its Xs and Os that has been the reason the Mountaineers have had such a tough time running the football on the Pirates.
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| Coach Rich Rodriguez says his defense is going to have to get pressure on East Carolina junior quarterback Patrick Pinkney. Brian Persinger photo |
Two years ago in Morgantown, West Virginia managed just 127 yards on the ground in a 20-15 win. Last year in Greenville, the Pirate defense limited the Mountaineers to 157 yards rushing including only 80 from All-American Steve Slaton.
“I’ve always been impressed with what they do defensively,” Rodriguez said Tuesday afternoon. “Their defensive front has been playing outstanding, the linebackers are as good as anybody we’ll play and it may be the best group of athletes that we have played all year.”
Quentin Cotton has been the most active among a very active group of East Carolina linebackers. Cotton has made a team-best 25 tackles to go with 4 ½ tackles for losses, a sack and an interception. The 6-foot-2-inch, 234-pound junior was a third-team all-Conference USA pick in 2006.
“He has played as well as any linebacker I’ve seen in the last couple of years,” Rodriguez said. “He did that against us last year but watching him on film this year he’s all over the place.”
Strong side linebacker Pierre Bell has made 23 tackles while middle linebacker Fred Wilson has been in on 15 stops.
Up front East Carolina (1-2) has two big run-stoppers in the middle in 6-foot-3-inch, 300-pound sophomore Jay Ross and 6-foot-3-inch, 296-pound Mark Robinson. Six-five, 222-pound junior defensive end Zach Slate is one of the Pirates’ top defensive playmakers with 19 tackles, 5 ½ tackles for losses and two sacks.
Senior weak side corner back Travis Williams is the only returning starter in a Pirate secondary that Rodriguez says has held up reasonably well despite the losses.
“They have a couple of new guys back there but those safeties are still tackling well and playing well against the run,” Rodriguez said.
East Carolina came into this season thinking sophomore Rob Kass was going to be the man at quarterback. But he was suspended for the season opener against Virginia Tech and lost his starting job to Patrick Pinkney, a junior who has endured two shoulder surgeries while waiting his turn.
Pinkney had the second highest single-game passing total in East Carolina history with his 406 yards passing in a 34-31 home victory against North Carolina on Sept. 8. Pinkney completed 31 of his 41 pass attempts with three touchdowns against the Tar Heels. Last week he threw for 203 and a pair of touchdowns in a home loss to Southern Mississippi.
“It’s funny how a guy gets his opportunity because he wasn’t a starter at the beginning of the year,” Rodriguez said. “He got in the first game and he throws for 400 yards against North Carolina. He’s looked really good and he’s made the most of his opportunity.”
Rodriguez said West Virginia’s defense must be conscious of Pinkney both as a passer and as a runner. Pinkney is the team’s leading rusher with 109 yards.
“He’s a guy that ran and passed for more than 1,000 yards in high school,” Rodriguez said. “He fits that style and they are running plays to allow him to do both.”
Veteran running back Chris Johnson has faced West Virginia the last three years gaining 92 yards on 22 carries in the 2005 game in Morgantown. Johnson shows 1,651 yards and 17 touchdowns in 37 career games.
Wide receiver Phillip Henry led East Carolina with six catches for 54 yards in last year’s game against West Virginia in Greenville. Henry has caught 13 balls this year for 145 yards and shows 75 catches for 1,057 yards and three touchdowns for his career.
Jamar Bryant, a 6-foot-2-inch, 193-pound sophomore, shows 12 catches for 152 yards including a season-long 50-yard reception against North Carolina.
“They are not beating themselves,” Rodriguez said. “They run some of the same schemes we do with some of the triple options and some of the quarterback runs. It just requires more guys being in tune with what their assignments are.”
West Virginia (3-0) is coming off a Thursday night win at Maryland on Sept. 13. It was West Virginia’s second taxing game in a span of five days, having played at Marshall on Sept. 8.
In the Maryland game the Mountaineers got 137 yards and three rushing touchdowns from junior Steve Slaton, who enters Saturday’s game ranked first among all active runners with 46 touchdowns. Slaton has carried the football 66 times for 392 yards and eight touchdowns so far this season.
True freshman Noel Devine has managed to ease some of Slaton’s rushing burden, running for 256 yards on just 17 carries for a national-best 15.1 yards per carry average. Devine ran for 136 yards on only five carries against Maryland.
Quarterback Patrick White is third on the team in rushing with 244 yards and four touchdowns, while also completing 63.3 percent of his pass attempts for 436 yards and four touchdowns.
Darius Reynaud is West Virginia’s No. 1 receiver with 18 catches for 281 yards and two touchdowns. Reynaud is averaging 15.6 yards per reception.
“Obviously we have to execute better at times offensively as compared to how we have executed against them in the past,” Rodriguez said. “We have to tackle well on defense and eliminate the big play.
“We have to put pressure on their quarterback. You can’t give him a lot of time because he will take off and run more than any quarterback we have played this year,” Rodriguez said.
Kick off for Saturday’s game is scheduled for noon. The contest will be televised nationally on ESPN2. Sirius Satellite Radio users can access MSN’s broadcast on channel 123; the game will also air on the Internet through CSTV All-Access.