Cory Burell

Dear Forrest Gumps Mother,

Life is not like a fucking box of chocolates and quite frankly you know what to expect. So far life has a pretty even split between “wtf is this shit” and “happiness”. On any given day I can pretty much predict that at some point I’m going to want to flip out or hit something.

Love,

90% of the world

All joking aside it seems like I’ve come to a crossroads in my life where I’ve had to decide what the difference is between the big things and the small things in life are. This is kind of a “half empty” or “half full” debate going on inside of my mind. For instance you wake up in the morning and straight slam your toe into a wall. Well your bleeding all over the fucking carpet wondering how the hell your day is already shot to shit at 6am. The initial reaction in most people goes something like that. Shouldn’t we be happy that we had a place to bump our toe, a job to be getting up to, or legs to walk around blindly into walls with?

Earlier this week I was contacted and told one of the people we hung out some with in college died in a car accident earlier that week. His fiance, himself, and his 6 day old baby were hit by a train. Pretty much if you took the definition of awful and wrote a story about it you got this situation. They were taking their fucking 6 day old baby to get a check-up. Not sure how that affects everyone else but I have 2 kids and that makes me want to cry. In all honesty since I’ve become a father I’ve calmed down 200% on my activities and what I would call a level of danger in my life. That has always made me feel alittle more secure about hanging around for my kids. My dad died when I was 13 and it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. It really took years for me to get over it and since I’ve had my own boys its seemed to come up again. My dad was in a wheelchair for 2 years before he died and in hospitals for longer than that. Most of the stuff normal kids learned from their dads I learned from my own mistakes so its very hard for me to envision how to teach my kids things and have that true idea of how to be a good father. My father did tell me something and this was coming from a man that lost all power in his body but had the strongest mind of anyone I’ve ever met. He said “appreciate every day you have here”. I may not know exactly what to do for my children all the time but I know I need to do something.

Anyways I just took a 200 word tangent and I apologize to anyone reading this shit its mostly just a rambling as usual. But back to the point…..Life can stop at any point for any one of us and theres not a whole lot we can do to control it so where do we cut these lines of overall happiness and whats really happening in your life. Are we dicks if we don’t think about how lucky we are to walk? The answer is probably yes but do most of us think that way? NOPE! If I look at my life on paper I might be one of the luckiest guys period. I have a great job, a beautiful wife, and 2 great kids. On the flipside of that I’m probably one of the bipolar mother fuckers ever. I’m not saying that in a serious need medication kind of way but I def have my mood swings and it doesn’t take alot to piss me off.

After alot of thought I’ve become a lil more determined to accomplish some of the things I really want in life and I’m going to try and reach some of those long term goals. Some of you are probably sitting there saying O jesus christ heres another sloppy fucking reborn bullshit though process. Well I’m going to throw a twist in there and this is my spin on this. From here out I vow to myself to live life to the fullest. Thats not a “I’m going to enjoy everything” comment thats a “I’m going to live life” comment. Whats the difference? IMHO the full range of emotions are a part of the life. Fuck appreciating the leg……..I want to appreciate the emotion of being angry, I want to flip out when that toe is bleeding, and I want to feel the pain in life because if you don’t all of those great moments will start to lose that feeling of greatness.

So upon the reveal of my little rant about ex’s an ex of mine read the story. Well as the irony builds I was once the victim of a “hate on the ex” story. Unlike my small little rant here I was burned in an article written by Christin Liverance in the N.C. State Technician. Here is a small portion of that story:

In the world of dating, opposites repel

Christin Liverance

Staff Columnist

Every girl has had at least one relationship with a guy that was her polar opposite. It may have been the traditional bad boy with a fast car and an earring, a hip-hop thug wannabe from the North Raleigh “hood” with baggy pants and misplaced racial identity, an artsy vegetarian with a bumper sticker that says “Ask me about stealing people’s essence!” or a fun-loving cowboy with a restless streak. We know deep down that these relationships are destined for failure from the very beginning, but there is something absolutely thrilling about exploring the existence of an individual that has nothing in common with us.

Sadly, I’ve engaged in these types of relationships all my life. I’m just learning that despite any initial attraction I may have towards the rebel-without-a-cause types, I need to look for someone that compliments my mellow and conservative demeanor.

In high school I dated the wrong guy because I really was naïve. No one actually looks for a boyfriend that is just like them. We don’t even know who we are yet. Political beliefs? Individual opinions that differ from our friend’s? Never heard of ‘em. Girls look for someone that’s cute, popular, and has a driver’s license.

So, I dated “Cliff.” My father loathed this boy. In fact, half of the population of Raleigh shared his feelings of hatred in regards to this young menace and I couldn’t imagine why. I was convinced I’d discovered his sweet and gentle core hidden beneath the solid shell of rebellion and attitude.

I’ll admit, Cliff was a bit of trouble-maker. He talked back to teachers, smoked Marlboros at lunch time, and sped around town in his Jeep with music blaring and sub-woofers throbbing. I on the other hand, had never seen the inside of the principal’s office. I’d perhaps tried cigarettes once or twice, if I went over the speed limit it was only by 3-5 miles, and at lunch time I joined my girlfriends off-campus at Bojangles for some chicken ‘n biscuits.

On our first date, Cliff took me to dinner and then to get my bellybutton pierced at a shady little tattoo parlor. I was the coolest girl I knew. Subconsciously, I was excited when I told people at school that I was dating Cliff and they gasped and fainted on the linoleum. I had never been the popular girl and suddenly everyone at our school knew who I was dating.

Cliff and I broke up just before we graduated and summer set in. I didn’t understand until years later, when I tried to date Cliff a second time, and then a third, why he was completely wrong for me. FYI: Screaming matches that take place over the phone every night aren’t normal and your stupid boyfriend should come to see <I>you</I> at least once in a blue moon instead of expecting you to drive an hour and a half to see him all the damn time. You know?!

We actually had a strong yet rocky relationship. We continued to date on and off for awhile and I’ll always love her as a good friend even though we don’t really see/speak often now. I guess my hate isn’t just an isolated incident for “Cliff” but instead is a general feeling that comes from certain relationships where strong feelings were involved. My last comments go out to one Christin Liverance whom I know will read this Story……….
It seems as though we are more alike in how we think than you may have ever thought. Just remember you are not always who you see yourself as. I will throw out a half hearted apology to the person I wrote this about but I ask for Christin to come out and give one too : ) . Im just kidding about that but it was actually funny to remember this being written years ago after I just blasted someone. Christin you were a special part of my life and I would never take it back and hopefully you feel the same way. I really don’t expect a response b/c I probably wouldn’t do the same if asked but I understand where you were coming from if that means anything.

update: Received Im
SummerGirl** (5:30:07 PM): no, i never thought we were a mistake
SummerGirl** (5:30:13 PM): i loved you very much for a very long time
SummerGirl** (5:30:19 PM): and i would never take that back
SummerGirl** (5:28:32 PM): it was me taking some of the more painful experiences and trying to have fun with them
SummerGirl** (5:28:39 PM): i never regretted dating you
SummerGirl** (5:28:42 PM): loving you
SummerGirl** (5:28:44 PM): any of that
SummerGirl** (5:28:56 PM): and i did like when i told people i was dating you and they fainted

Ok so for the past few days I have been taunted by thoughts of a particular ex-girlfriend. This is unusual for me due to my general “whatever” attitude accompanied with the fact that I haven’t seen any of these women for over a year. Now don’t get me wrong here……….I’m not talking about any thoughts sexually. This was a pure hatred that swept my body just from hearing the name. I was drawn into this pissy mood based on the pure mention of a name. I could only compare the hate to the feeling you get towards a recent ex, but in this case years later. I had to figure out what was going on so I consulted a friend. After the conversation I stumbled onto a thought that might only apply to myself but I feel might transfer into other people’s lives. I don’t hate this woman because of the ugly break up or the things that were said afterwards. I hate this woman based on the fact that it didn’t work out because of her. For once I wasn’t to blame completely on a failed relationship. Granted at points I was definatly an asshole and treated her like a bad case of the creamed corn shits…….but that was besides the point. This ex was particularly content with me treating her like shit. I think I could have bent her best friend over right in front of her and laying some serious pain into her ass. What got to me was the fact that she let me do this to her. I had put all this time into a relationship and then at the end I find out she isn’t the person I thought she was. She always claimed to be so strong and then showed she had no spine. She never strived to impove herself nor did she have any goals at all. Granted at the time my idea of fun was “lets down a case of bud and play some pong” but I also went to school, worked, and had goals. This individuals idea of a life aspiration was “I wanna be a pretty pretty princess”. I felt deceived and whether I had been completely honest with her is out of the realm of importance. Maybe this was someone upstairs poking me just alil bit and saying “Hey this is 8lb 9oz baby Jesus and this is a taste of your own medicine”. Maybe I finally understood the deception I had been feeding women for years. Either way I wanted to punch something. So I guess what I’m getting at is that we hate people for so many more reasons than we think. Most of the time its just something simple like “She’s a cunt” or “Thats an ugly bitch” but in this case it was because I got a taste of my own medicine by being deceived. So before we all start wars with our former counterparts why don’t we start thinking about why we really hate them. And may I add the disclaimer if any of my other ex’s are reading this:

This story was not about you and I still think you are cunt. I still don’t want to talk to you and may I add “BITCH STFU”