So alot of you know about my current change in marital status. While the decisions to end the marriage in the fashion that is was done was not my choice I’ve spent the better part of the last month thinking about the past. Yea yea I know…….don’t think about, get out, keep your mind off of it. I’ve heard it all but its just not that easy. Over the last 4 years I guess you could say I’ve gone through a massive transformation. While it wasn’t intentional I guess I great up and advanced my life alil bit. Four years ago I was a drunk and a slacker to say the least. Many nights were spent passed out and not knowing where I would wake up. A cloud of of ignorance blinded me from life.
Anyways, so I kept thinking about what I could have done different. Yes I know this is also a no no. Blaming myself wasn’t helping but it did open my eyes up to alot of things. My marriage was always in trouble due to the fact of pettiness. I wanted to rub in the petty things while she wanted to turn her head away from them. Both of these answers were incorrect and sent us down a path of shittiness. I seemed to care less about the basic happiness in life and more about work/putting food on the table. Being a good husband wasn’t working 12-16 hours a day nor was it sleeping the work off for 6 hours during the day on the weekends. In that way I lost my way not only in my marriage but also love and the principles of life. Pride was no longer in my vocabulary and I could fully understand why I was not appealing to anyone. Atleast in my previous life I had nothing but confidence.
America is such a great country in the fact that we have so many oppourtunities and so petty in the fact that probably 5% of the people actually take advantage of it. We celebrate new years not with love of all our yearly accomplishments and successes but instead a list for next years. Focusing on a singular improvement for a month, tossing it in the trash, and just remaking the exact promise to ourselves the next year. I’m not sure if I’ve ever held myself to a new years resolution and even worse I don’t know many people who hold themselves to resolutions at all. Is it laziness? Most likely thats the basic cause of everyones problems.
Instead of some precise bullshit item that I want to change I’m switching from a “New Year’s Resolution” to a “Year Long Daily Revolution”. The first step was to try and analyze some of my most basic faults and lay out the cause, consequences, and steps to fix the problem.
1. Problem:My weight was out of control. I just entered the single world not only with 40 lbs of baggage but also 30lbs of fat. I couldn’t gain a lb in college but managed to gain 65 after the fact. No thats not an exageration……….I really got that fat.
Solution: Work out! Eat healthy! When I wake up in the morning I eat a healthy breakfast, do a short workout, and get ready for work. Continue my day with a fairly healthy low fat diet and a more exhausting workout every other day.
Cause: I never had to look at myself and the one I loved never questioned it either. The lines of communication were down and I forgot that even thought it didn’t matter to me what I looked like……it probably did to her. Now all of you know I’m an ugly mother fucker but the least I could do is not kill her if I rolled over in my sleep.
I could keep going on but the list of things to fix is about 25 deep and some of it is probably just derived from a pool of self pity and guilt (yea I know odd combo but shit happens when you think too much in an empty house). Basically what I’m getting at is I think a great system to actually self improve is to look into what other people see and not what we are blinded from. Three months ago I would have to think for 10 minutes to come up with a faults list 5 items long and even then I wouldn’t have taken it seriously. Confidence is a key in life…….arrogance is a blocker of self improvement. Daily reinvention is the only way to actually become the person you want to be. Putting a goal out there for 365 days is garbage. The end result may take that long but everyday you need to wake up and want that goal more and more.
So far I am on week 3 of trying something that sounds so simple as to lose weight. Incredibly I have lost about 15 lbs and almost look half decent. Results are pushing me harder and harder everyday and I’m proud of the fact that I am actually pushing myself torwards a goal. Inspiration has put more goals on my list and made me feel 100x better.
The bottom hurt when I hit it and I hope it was actually the bottom and not just a plateau in the descent on my mind but I guess that fact is to be self determined by no one but myself. Outside of these ramblings I actually had a point to make. When you hit the bottom self pity, rage, and wallowing are usually soon to follow. Wallowing in your own shitty life could be viewed as a terrible thing. It drags a cubic ton of depression into your life and just overall seems to take you further into that abyss. But, instead why don’t we start trying to provide an opposite reaction. Instead of crying of that spilled milk why don’t we clean up the mess and try to make things better than they were before.
I lost someone that I loved more than anyone and yea I still cry at night alone in bed but it has given me the gift that I needed. The silver lining has come to light and its a beautiful bitch with a hourglass figure and Angelina Jolie’s lips. For 3 years I lived for someone else and while that will never change with my children I can live for myself also and be someone that maybe they can look up to someday. So lets everyone stop being who we are and start being who we want to be. Life could end tomorrow……….so be all you can be everyday and take your visions from just that into reality.
Someone told me that old dogs can’t learn new tricks and I would always be who I am. Well I’m sticking 2 fingers in the fucking air. Yes tomorrow I will be who I am but thats because I’m going to make myself a new person every mother fucking day. Take oppourtunity by the fucking back of the head and thrust that slut down because if you don’t its going to grab the back of yours and face fuck you til you have nothing left but a lost sense of dignity and direction.
